My journey begins…
Even though I help others increase their confidence, personal power, and happiness, I am indeed human. I am not a 100% confident being; that doesn’t humanly exist. And I have to work on my stuff DAILY because guess what, new crap ALWAYS pops up. My primary archetype is that of an Alchemist, and I LOVE transformation. Learning this was HUGE to embracing my calling in life and leaving behind work that I was good at, but didn’t really love.
So transformation makes my world go ‘round, whether it is helping someone else transform their life, or whether it is me taking that next step toward the person I want to be. So in the spirit of being
slightly really vulnerable here, I am going to share with you the next part of my own journey toward stepping fully into my confidence.
My goal is to become more confident surrounding my femininity and to embrace and accept myself as a sensual, sexy woman. This is hard for me to grasp, because even as I write this sentence, my monkey mind is in an uproar saying, “nope, this ain’t you girl, so just get over this silly idea”. This is usually how it goes when you want to step out of your comfort zone. You are being called to make some change, and the ego goes batshit crazy.
I have a lot of blocks around femininity and what it means to be a sensual, sexy woman, and know exactly where these blocks came from, which is an ESSENTIAL step. If you don’t know WHY you created a false story around yourself, then you won’t be able to change it.
Here are my whys:
1. I’m built like a mid-pubescent, lanky teenage girl.
I used to often joke that I have my father’s chest, which makes my curves look more like ant mounds than anything. Society says to feel sensual and be sexy, you need curves.
2. Because of my build, bra (and bathing suit for that matter) shopping sucks.
It is hard to feel sexy in your lingerie when your size bra ends up living in the PINK section of Victoria’s Secret and has stripes and polka-dots, and little pink bows. I don’t need underwire for support. I don’t need push-up pads as there isn’t much to push up. So I am basically banned to the junior’s section. Society says sexy = lacy lingerie.
3. I didn’t really want kids.
What woman doesn’t want kids? What woman doesn’t feel the so-called biological clock? Society says women are supposed to want babies. (Just a note on this, this is one block that I actually resolved and let go of many years ago as part of my physical healing journey.)
4. I am a recovering Catholic.
My upbringing and involvement as a teen in the church youth group was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Toward my junior/senior year, our youth group minister went a little radical, in the not-so-good, really, really conservative kind of way. One of the messages… we were basically doomed to hell if we looked at a boy with just an inkling of lust. I remember the minister called my boyfriend at the time and I into his office to have a “pep-talk” about why everyone needs to abstain from sex until marriage.
All I can say about that is, AKWARD!! Needless to say, we had so much guilt shoved down our throat, that some of this guilt still remains with me today. Catholic society says that sex is dirty and sinful, unless you are married of course, then it is just to make babies.
5. I am a bit clumsy, probably more athletic than graceful.
Society says that being sensual means to be able to move with elegance, mystery, which is sexy and attractive.
My plan for these next several months is to work on numbers 1, 2, 4 & 5. Feminine confidence is a missing piece for me and actually working though this will propel me to the next level both personally and professionally.